The Onion on Bush

Bush Tours America To Survey Damage Caused By His Disastrous Presidency

I thought you might like to see footage from the Onion News Network. I love The Onion. It's in my RSS blog feed everyday. The headlines make me smile.

My favourite Part of the Superbowl

And I don't even drink beer.... I just love Bud Light ads.

Forty Facts of Life

A few thoughts from the wise (and the looney, punk-ass, fruit-loop) Angela Little...

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


2. Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often.


3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.


5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.


6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.


7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.


8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.


9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.


10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.


11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.


12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.


13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.


14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.


15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.


16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.


17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.


18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.


19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.


20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.


21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.


22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.


23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.


24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.


25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.


26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved -- and never will achieve -- its full potential, that word would be "meetings."


27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."


28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.


29. You should not confuse your career with your life.


30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.


31. Never lick a steak knife.


32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.


33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.


34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.


35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.


36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers.


37. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)


38. Your friends love you anyway.


39. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new.


40. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Australian Ettiquette - Email from Wayne Tritton

IN GENERAL

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
   

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

The Coke Wall

http://www.cokewall.com/index.htm

Check this out. Too funny. If you like it - please pass it on to others. I highly recommend the Sponsorship page. Read it aloud to others. Smile. Enjoy.

How quickly will Steve Irwin jokes surface?

[Updated with new image - here they come!!!!]

As crude as it is... the jokes are just waiting to be told. The Aussie Jacques Cousteau... Steve Irwin, has passed away. 44 years young.

Words of sorrow aside - and there will be plenty of them - the man, the freak, this crazy Aussie deserves some good internet jokes - and, personally, I think they should start right now.

(I waited an hour, folks. At first I thought that there should be a 24 hour waiting period, but, what the heck - Steve-o would've wanted us to use every minute of life in us to look for the fun stuff - the things we enjoy. First in best dressed my husband would say.)

But I'm not a good joke teller. I really only know one joke. There's this priest, and it's his first day in the priesthood....

In the office we've wondered if Steve-o is an organ donor. And we've decided that since his heart gave out, that it probably isn't available anyway. But, if he is an organ donor, (under threat of lightening striking us down immediately) we wondered if his crazy DNA will start to influence the new host? Would his kidneys save a life but slowly and surely turn the person into a crazy croc-wrestling yobbo?

(I found it hard to find an image of steve-o without a croc, so I just gave in and picked this one. Hope the copyright owner is OK with that.)

We feel bad for his wife Terri - for so many reasons, but in particular - she's trekking in the wilderness of Tassie - does she know?

But at least Steve-o died doing what he loved to do. The tele-movie is sure to come out in the next few months. So as the jokes are exposed, as people quietly decide that the waiting period is over, please share them - add them to this blog and let's see how many are out there.

Rest in peace, Steve-o.